Please Send Me DVDS SOS SOS SOS!!!!11

Japanese TV could be an excellent way for me to learn more Japanese. Most of the variety shows, daily programs and news reports have everything subtitled in hiragana and kanji and it obviously helps to be able to read something while simultaneously hearing it.

However, I use the word COULD for a good reason. I have attempted to watch a few programs here and there but without fail, after just five minutes my face is twisted into a contorted ugly mask of loathing mixed with repulsion due to content of what is broadcasted on the four channels I receive. If it is not mind numbingly boring baseball (nine innings is far too many – they should cut it down to, say, 4), then it is a variety show where the women talk about how to make their asses look smaller in slimu-fitu-jeanzu or new, improved ways of lightening their skin or getting rid of the crow’s feet by their eyes.

One show I recently caught was a children’s dating program. A six year old boy and a six year old girl sat on opposite sides of a screen and were drilled by two grownups about what kind of partner they were looking for and what they hoped would happen. There was something terribly fascinating in a train-wreck-way to me about this program and despite the fact that I consciously KNEW I was cruelly killing off my precious remaining brain cells in the process, I couldn’t help but watch, my mouth hanging open ever so slightly.

Both children declared that they wanted whatever was on the other side of the screen to be “cute.” The grownups then peeked through to the other side and with a grand “Waaaaaaa KAWAIIIII” assured their contestant that they had lucked out indeed! With a grand whoosh the curtain was lifted and the children were finally face to face. Then one of the contestants performed like a trained monkey in order to impress the opposite sex – the girl in this case did a traditional Japanese dance that lasted all of seven seconds. The little boy proclaimed it splendid and they will obviously live happily ever after. Forever.

I happened upon a show this morning that was designed to teach English phrases that English speakers use but rarely. It followed the life of a young Japanese woman (we’ll call her Keiko) who had an American – guardian – English – Speech – Advisor - Angel dressed up as traditional German yodeler complete with long yellow hair and flouncey milk-maid skirt. In this episode Keiko was having technical difficulties with her computer. She had forgotten to save her data and then the computer (which was a Mac by the way) had froze (what? Macs freeze?!). The American German-garbed guardian angel appeared in a sparkly cloud to comfort Keiko and helpfully declare,“YEP. It’s frozen!” This provoked a long grammar point to be made on this KEY PHRASE.

Poor Keiko was humiliated. It seemed that her main concern was that Mike the tall, “handsome” (and I use that term very, VERY loosely) American in a nearby cubicle would be disappointed in her as well. Everyone crowded around Keiko to discus her problem as a group. The plot then took a clever twist as the head boss ventured out of his office to inform everyone with a deep, throaty laugh that Keiko had already emailed him the data so all was not lost. Silly Keiko had completely forgotten.

Another office worker had brought in a box of chocolate from a business trip that she had made. She presented it to Keiko who offered to take it around the office so that everyone could have a piece. Her offer was intercepted by another wily Japanese woman who, with a sly look at Mike, grabbed the chocolate and dashed off to lure him in with candy.

Mike was this tall, white male who bore a striking resemblance to Captain Hook – same nose, same hair – curly, longish and greasy looking. Apparently he was the hottie of the office. Upon receiving the chocolate Mike’s face fell. He got up and slowly walked out of the office staring down upon the confectionary delight in his hand as though it was some mysterious object that held the meaning of life. The American Guardian Angel Yodeler appeared once again to urge Keiko to take up the chase. Keiko dutifully followed orders and trailed Mike up onto the roof. There she was once again provoked by her pushy, English-Speaking-Milk-Maid to tell Mike how she felt.

Keiko approached Mike and asked what was wrong. “I don’t understand the idea of bringing back gifts from a business trip. No one does that in America” he said. “The chocolate makes me homesick. It reminds me of my mother’s chocolate cake.” At this point the story broke off so that the deep, booming voice-over could make an ever-necessary grammar point on: “IT REMINDS ME OF MY MOTHER’S CHOCOLATE CAKE.” Truly useful stuff.

The two women in the office were obviously battling over ever-so-eloquent and profound Mike, throwing him sidelong, wistful glances at every chance they got and fighting to present him with candy that tastes like his mother’s chocolate cake. Mike. Mike – the Captain Hook look-alike in a suit. I had to turn the TV off.

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Published:
9.6.06 / 5pm
Category:
what i call life, culture, unschoolish