Beware of Gingerbread Men Bearing Molotov Cocktails

I have never been to Sweden but have recently decided that someday I would like to go - for their quaint holiday traditions if nothing else. Every region has their individual take on Christmas. In New York the Rockefeller Christmas Tree towers over the itty-bitty ice skating rink, lights aglow, twinkling down on the golden Prometheus bearing fire and casting a dark shadow over the J Crew store behind it. In Rome a life sized nativity scene is erected in the Piazza de San Pietro causing the massive basilica itself to become somewhat dwarfed. In Sweden they have a huge goat, somewhat reminiscent of the epic Trojan horse, made out of straw smiling down upon the townspeople awaiting its imminent doom.

I stumbled across this news article recently and immediately grew jealous. Their Yule Goat tradition may only be about fifty years old however their practice is a bit more exciting than our customary unimaginative tree with lights and glass balls. Arson, sex, persistence, webcams, napalm, and a 6,000 pound goat – these clever Swedes may be on to something.

Back in the 60’s a Swedish man named Gavle decided that a large goat made out of straw would help bring Christmas cheer to his dreary little town. If a pedestrian tree can create general holiday merriment, then why not a goat? Gavle was able to gain backing and a 42 1/2 foot tall, three ton goat was the end result. Much to Gavle’s dismay however, as the town clock struck twelve on New Year’s Eve his gigantic dream goat was suddenly enveloped in a grievous and unstoppable fire. The common Swedes, it seems, would rather have a tree.

The Yule Goat appears to lead a cursed existence. Year after year since 1966 various people have insisted upon spending the city’s money to construct larger and larger Goats. With few exceptions the goat almost always perishes tragically. Each year he suffers vandalism, fires, sabotage, mauling and has even been run over by a car driven by hicks. Yet every year come Christmas a large straw goat steadfastly appears in the town square. The destruction—this goat flambé, it seems, has become somewhat of a tradition as well.

In 2001 a tourist passing through Sweden jumped on the goat scorching bandwagon and set the poor thing alight. Unlike most of the other local miscreants this Ohio native was caught and his lighter confiscated, as he was “clearly not able to handle it” properly. The American’s defense was that he was only “following a tradition.”

As technology has improved, proponents of the goat have started using web cams to monitor the Yule Goat’s well being. But even this was has been fruitless, as technology savvy Swedes managed to hack into the feed and changed the webcam display to “Burn Bockjaevel” or, as it’s translated on Wikipedia, “Burn Fucking Goat.” Just last year a sinister Santa Claus shot flaming arrows at the goat whilst his grinning gingerbread man accomplice lobbed Molotov cocktails. One can only assume they were outraged at the goat for replacing their darling, kosher tree.

For the past fifty years the Yule Goat has undergone various forms of attack- it’s only solace being that at one point it was considered a popular place for children to play and an acceptable make-shift love hotel for couples, until its guardians found out and lined it with preventative chicken nets and wire.

The Yule Goat has an oddly persistent group of backers. This year the Gavle Goat will be coated with “Fiber ProTector Fireproof” – a slick substance (with a somewhat redundant name) that is used in airplanes. Goat protectors have smugly declared that napalm itself wouldn’t be able to set this goat alight. To me, this sounds like nothing if not a challenge.

Clearly there is some dissension within the Swedish population when it comes to matters of tradition. I, myself, have come to two conclusions: Firstly – Swedish people must be stubborn as fuck, and secondly if I ever go to Sweden in December I’m buying a lighter– a souvenir and a traditional holiday implement.

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Published:
12.22.06 / 6pm
Category:
culture, unschoolish