A Blubbering “Buuut, Bbbbut, I Just Miss You So Goddamn Much.”

LIES, all FILTHY, HORRID lies.

Some people deliberate big decisions with their parents. Some devise comprehensive pro and con lists. Others consult their significant other and figure out their “future plans.” As a Sagittarius who sends arrows flying helter-skelter, I tend to be more impulsive and frivolous. Instead of doing any of those things I leave it all up to fate, the stars, the oracles, Lady Luck, Father Chance, Fortuna, bird formations in the sky, the weird sisters, the Moirai and turn over my decision to their wise, occult, modern instrument of choice: the Magic Eight Ball.

My excellent predecessor conveniently left this handy tool sitting on my desk at work. I like to consult it every so often with questions like, “Will today’s lesson royally suck?” or “Will I impart vast quantities of knowledge upon these cracker-barrel children today, so much to the point that years from now they will Google me online to track down my current email address so that they might drop me a note to let me know that I, alone, am the reason for their glowing success as the United Nation’s top foreign ambassador?” The will of the gods, which ostensibly appears to be a classic American baseball upon first glance, has never let me down, with answers like “Don’t Count On It.”

Therefore, I turn to it to figure out if I should, in fact, allow myself another year of opportunity to morph into a country bumpkin who lives in the sticks of Japan. It’s initial thought is, “Indications Say Yes.” But this isn’t enough for me. Indications? This is a year of my life, good sir. Clearly I need more certainty than that. When asked to reconsider – the mystifying blue liquid clears and a decisive, “No Doubt About It” flies boldly into view. Just to make sure I give it a third firm and final shake. The Magic Eight Ball at this point, fed up with my distrust and misgivings reads, “Consult Me Later Then You Indecisive Twat.”

So. There it is. I’ll be here another year. Without a doubt it’s in the stars.

I’m afraid this is as sad as I can manage at this point as I believe it’s the right decision.

Cheer up. It gives you more time to get that trip to Japan sorted out as well as plan the most superb welcome home party for me. A year and a half prep time at the very least: It best be awesome.

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Published:
2.5.07 / 6pm
Category:
what i call life, unschoolish