Charming Characters of New York

As a foreigner living in Japan, it’s easy for one to arrive, look around and with great big wide eyes declare everything is “bizarre” and “different.” The characters that reside in Japan are interesting and curious and even their body language causes a foreigner to cock his or her head to the side in an attempt to make sense of it. That man childishly pointing to his nose going, “ore?” Me? The woman signaling come here to her child with a flicking downward motion of her fingers into her palm, which ostensibly, by western standards, looks as though she’s telling her child to get lost. The young girls who pose for family photos with their pointer and middle finger in a inverse peace sign positioned nicely, and in other countries - suggestively, over their mouths.

One looks perplexedly at the toothpick in a mini-skirt masquerading as a woman. One stares in amazement at the man urinating in public. One looks on as a businessman, flushed from alcohol consumption, collapses into a heap on the sidewalk at 8PM at night and people simply walk around him. One snaps photos, looking around agog at the vast number of Elvis impersonators that have infiltrated a park in Tokyo.

But it’s the characters in New York, the characters in New York not Japan, that cause my jaw to drop and occasionally to slightly foam. As a local I can no longer cock my head to the side and go, ‘Oh my, how curious. How foreign,” because these are my compromising brethren. These are my fellow New Yorkers. These are the people that live and work around me.

A friend and I go to one of two Starbucks within approximately two blocks in my neighborhood. Fortune smiles upon us and as we walk in someone gets up and departs, leaving us a nice lovely table. As we sit down with our drinks and prepare to catch up on a years worth of material, a hefty woman approximately fifty to sixty years old walks in. From henceforth, Dear Reader, we shall, for simplicity’s sake, simply call her Rude Heinous Cow. Upon arrival Rude Heinous Cow tromps over to the seating area. In a loud, nasal, nails-on-chalkboard-grating voice she says, “IS ANYONE HERE LEAVING? SOMEONE HERE SHOULD LEAVE. WE JUST GOT HERE AND WE WANT TO SIT DOWN.”

In typical New York fashion, people’s heads slightly perk up momentarily, eyebrows almost unnoticeably are raised and she is, otherwise, completely ignored. This causes her of course to simply repeat her demand in a louder bellow: “SOMEONE HERE SHOULD GET UP. WE WANT TO DRINK OUR DRINKS. WE WANT TO SIT DOWN.”

Several people at the point assure her goodheartedly that they don’t plan on moving anytime soon and close it with a pointed “Sorry.” But this does nothing to dissuade Rude Heinous Cow.

“THIS IS WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE PLACES. THESE STARBUCKS PLACES. YOU CAN SIT HERE FOR HOURS AND HOURS ON ONE CUP OF COFFEE, THAT’S WHAT. IT’S RIDICULOUS.”

Someone perhaps needs to sit her down, whack her with a metal bat and explain to her the brilliance of said coffee shops. The ability to grab a book, or sit with your computer, enjoy a cup of overpriced coffee for hours at a time, and NOT have some overweight, hideous COW of a woman who, for some unbeknownst psychotic reason believes she is owed the sun and the moon, march in and demand your seat because she can’t support her own corpulent body on her own tiny stubs of legs is part of the charm of the system.

A small Asian woman is sitting next to us, working on her computer. She has made the mistake of making eye contact with Rude Heinous Cow and after several exchanges, she gets up and leaves, utterly defeated.

“THAT’S VERY GOOD OF YOU. THAT’S RIGHT. THAT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. VERY HUMANE OF YOU,” crows Rude Heinous Cow. She then looks at me, “ARE YOU LEAVING?”

With a charming flash of a smile, I assure Rude Heinous Cow that I will be doing nothing of the sort. In fact, Rude Heinous Cow’s appearance has only made me want to stay at Starbucks longer. Much, much longer than perhaps I had originally been intending. Perhaps even, until I die.

“WELL WE WANT TO SIT DOWN.”

“That’s nice. I’m afraid we’re not going anywhere at the moment.”

A couple is standing behind her, pretending to look at the menu board above the counter, but clearly dumbfounded by Rude Heinous Cow’s temerity. The girl looks at me, her eyes wide and she mouths, “WHAT… THE… HELL…” and shifts her eyes over to Rude Heinous Cow and back to me again as in “What is that woman’s problem?!” I nod in agreement with the typical scrunch of the face that reads, “I know, right? Eh, what are you going to do?”

Rude Heinous Cow will not be trounced easily however. She plops her paunchy self down and leans over. “CAN YOU MOVE OVER? MOVE OVER. SO MY FRIENDS CAN SIT DOWN.”

I smile and say, “sure.” However her companions (I can’t rightfully use the word friends here, despite what she may tell herself) are still at the counter and I see no reason why I should be making space for people that are not even here yet.

She glares at me. “NOW. MOVE OVER. NOW.”

What a pleasant creature. I smile happily at her and move over an inch.

My friend looks at me, “Do you want to just go?”

Let wild horses drag my decaying body from this Starbucks, I am NOT giving this harpy my seat until I am good and well finished with it.

Her companions - her husband and another rather overweight couple - return, arms laden with more fatty drinks on which they may feed, and squeeze into the area. “I’M SO GLAD I’M THIN,” the other woman says which causes me to choke a little.

Fifteen minute later, my friend and I are ready to go. As we stand up, Rude Heinous Cow screeches after us, “YOU COULD HAVE DONE THAT 20 MINUTES AGO.”

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Published:
9.7.08 / 1am
Category:
amusing incidents, what i call life